So the day after and I am doing a lot of reflecting on yesterday.
It was a great day, I was parked close by to the facilities, under a great tree that offered beautiful shade, I was able to participate in social activity, I had help with getting on my pony and sorted and support from the club and my own club members. This support was given unconditionally and without any complaint that I heard. It was healing.
I was able to enjoy myself, take on any issues like my pony being a spooky shit in the warm up area. My mind was active and alert but not overwhelmed with anxiety and/or fear.
I did get an error of course for getting lost but that did not effect me emotionally and I just got on with it and completed the test. I was able to offer calm support to my pony in unusual and stressful circumstances for him and I know he felt this.
Saturday, 4 November 2017
Thursday, 2 November 2017
My new Journey
So after years of endless mind chatter taking over my life, I am fucking over it and taking back what goes on in my head, heart and soul. The constant endless toiling over of my previous bad experiences taking up time and space and creating causing anxiety and stress well beyond the normal limits any person should endure.
And so 3 weeks into my Journey I will be writing down my thoughts and feelings.
So what started this? Well dressage did as it has started another journey I am still on, of improving my physical state. And this has worked well, I have a rock solid core, stay on my horse the majority of the time and don't roll all over the place. Well done me. It has been a hard journey but well worth it, at 52 I am stronger and fitter than I have ever been. I have met some great people who have and still encourage me.
Now I really want to compete at Dressage, I have the car and float and a great pony but in my mind I am still fighting battles that I am losing. I want to quiet the voices in my head that tell me to not compete, that I am a loser, that I am stupid and an idiot.
So I googled, right now I can't remember what I actually googled but NLP (Neurolingestic Programming). I had a few weeks ago re watched Shallow Hal who had Tony Robbins in it and I think that is what led me to it, I had previously looked into it but had never actually followed through with it, a bad habit of mine thanks to some inner chatter.
I googled my local practitioners, looked at their websites etc and went with a feeling of who I liked with price and informative website played a part, I am who I am. I rang her, we spoke and made an appointment. That was 3 weeks and 3 sessions ago. She did suggest a Journal to write things into about how I was feeling and reacting to things in life, she said I didn't need to write stories maybe just point form. Me, point form hehehe yeah right, queen of the ramblers and written meandering.
After the first initial session there was some relief but as she mentioned likely from just being heard. Not something I feel alot of I guess, having someone be completely listening to me and believing me.
The second session was very emotive as well but afterwards my mind was in a start of confusion mostly because of the quiet. I had a dressage training day the following saturday after my Wednsday session and I learned and remembered 2 tests, which is a whole new experience for me. Remembering.
It felt very weird, this inner piece inside my head, my thoughts bumped around my head searching for problems to go over and fix, like a blind man looking for a doorway to sight. It took almost a week to decide that being unable to find a problem was the problem and so the mind chatter took this up but it couldn't take it up with the gusto of its previous data input. Being mostly that fact that my family think I am a loser and treat me like an idiot who has done nothing with their life. Who expect me to overcome so many obstacles with no love or encouragement. My mother who maybe by no fault of her own has no real interest in my, left me to defend myself against a physical abusive father and emotionally abusing sibling at a very young and vulnerable age. It is what it is but her own continued mental state has led her to never try to recover our relationship even though I have made the effort in the past, but I can't just feel what I don't feel for her, I don't feel like she is my mother. Dad died in 2008 but he had an honesty about who he was and why and he did improve over time.
Here is something that will give you an idea of how my sister sees me. So we were in the car on the way home from a horse show last year, and we got to talking about what if we won lotto. So she says she would maybe create a home that she could invite those less fortunate and make their lives better. Oh and of course she wouldn't pay off my mortgage even though she could afford it so that I can some how learn financial responsiblity by having to either keep working to pay it and work or come and sponge off her, help those less fortunate and rent out my place. Never mind that firstly I am disabled and work very hard, that my lifespan can be possibly limited by my disability, never mind I have already paid off a number loans and have raised a daughter on minimum wage on my own etc, that I have always been employed. But some how I am still not financially responsible. That I don't deserve to stop at 52 years old and be debt free. Yep, this person who lives on an isolated farm, has a parnter that has enabled her to not have to work for a living for decades and has built her a home not to mention does not actually know or shown any interest in my life has made judgement on me based on who she "thinks" I am and has no desire to actually know who I am, what my life is like etc.
So anyway I now have mind chatter that relates to my siblings lack of empathy to my situation and it has gotten worse everytime she does something that is careless towards me, building up a reserviour of problems for my mind to mull over.
So directly after session 2 my mind felt light and at peace. It was beautiful truly. Any inner talk that came up did not have the strength and disapaited quickly.
Session no. 3 was heavy, after wards I felt a little emotionally heavy and my mind dull for a couple of days but was able to get through that, the mind chatter was still the same as the last week, there but without any real strength but gaining a little by the next session.
Session 4 was heavy again, I felt the same way after session 3 and it hung for a couple of days. Today being friday, I watched a couple of movies,7 pounds and Collateral Beauty. Two very powerful movies to make you feel things, and I did but not the usual grief I feel with sad movies. I felt saddness yes but usually I feel a deep abiding grief for myself, I watch sad movies so that I can find an outlet for this grief so it doesnt overwhelm me at times but no grief after 2 very sad emotional movies. Maybe I don't feel grief for myself anymore, I don't know.
Anyway I have my first competition away tomorrow and I have done everything I can to make it go smoothly and I don't feel too much anxiety.
And so 3 weeks into my Journey I will be writing down my thoughts and feelings.
So what started this? Well dressage did as it has started another journey I am still on, of improving my physical state. And this has worked well, I have a rock solid core, stay on my horse the majority of the time and don't roll all over the place. Well done me. It has been a hard journey but well worth it, at 52 I am stronger and fitter than I have ever been. I have met some great people who have and still encourage me.
Now I really want to compete at Dressage, I have the car and float and a great pony but in my mind I am still fighting battles that I am losing. I want to quiet the voices in my head that tell me to not compete, that I am a loser, that I am stupid and an idiot.
So I googled, right now I can't remember what I actually googled but NLP (Neurolingestic Programming). I had a few weeks ago re watched Shallow Hal who had Tony Robbins in it and I think that is what led me to it, I had previously looked into it but had never actually followed through with it, a bad habit of mine thanks to some inner chatter.
I googled my local practitioners, looked at their websites etc and went with a feeling of who I liked with price and informative website played a part, I am who I am. I rang her, we spoke and made an appointment. That was 3 weeks and 3 sessions ago. She did suggest a Journal to write things into about how I was feeling and reacting to things in life, she said I didn't need to write stories maybe just point form. Me, point form hehehe yeah right, queen of the ramblers and written meandering.
After the first initial session there was some relief but as she mentioned likely from just being heard. Not something I feel alot of I guess, having someone be completely listening to me and believing me.
The second session was very emotive as well but afterwards my mind was in a start of confusion mostly because of the quiet. I had a dressage training day the following saturday after my Wednsday session and I learned and remembered 2 tests, which is a whole new experience for me. Remembering.
It felt very weird, this inner piece inside my head, my thoughts bumped around my head searching for problems to go over and fix, like a blind man looking for a doorway to sight. It took almost a week to decide that being unable to find a problem was the problem and so the mind chatter took this up but it couldn't take it up with the gusto of its previous data input. Being mostly that fact that my family think I am a loser and treat me like an idiot who has done nothing with their life. Who expect me to overcome so many obstacles with no love or encouragement. My mother who maybe by no fault of her own has no real interest in my, left me to defend myself against a physical abusive father and emotionally abusing sibling at a very young and vulnerable age. It is what it is but her own continued mental state has led her to never try to recover our relationship even though I have made the effort in the past, but I can't just feel what I don't feel for her, I don't feel like she is my mother. Dad died in 2008 but he had an honesty about who he was and why and he did improve over time.
Here is something that will give you an idea of how my sister sees me. So we were in the car on the way home from a horse show last year, and we got to talking about what if we won lotto. So she says she would maybe create a home that she could invite those less fortunate and make their lives better. Oh and of course she wouldn't pay off my mortgage even though she could afford it so that I can some how learn financial responsiblity by having to either keep working to pay it and work or come and sponge off her, help those less fortunate and rent out my place. Never mind that firstly I am disabled and work very hard, that my lifespan can be possibly limited by my disability, never mind I have already paid off a number loans and have raised a daughter on minimum wage on my own etc, that I have always been employed. But some how I am still not financially responsible. That I don't deserve to stop at 52 years old and be debt free. Yep, this person who lives on an isolated farm, has a parnter that has enabled her to not have to work for a living for decades and has built her a home not to mention does not actually know or shown any interest in my life has made judgement on me based on who she "thinks" I am and has no desire to actually know who I am, what my life is like etc.
So anyway I now have mind chatter that relates to my siblings lack of empathy to my situation and it has gotten worse everytime she does something that is careless towards me, building up a reserviour of problems for my mind to mull over.
So directly after session 2 my mind felt light and at peace. It was beautiful truly. Any inner talk that came up did not have the strength and disapaited quickly.
Session no. 3 was heavy, after wards I felt a little emotionally heavy and my mind dull for a couple of days but was able to get through that, the mind chatter was still the same as the last week, there but without any real strength but gaining a little by the next session.
Session 4 was heavy again, I felt the same way after session 3 and it hung for a couple of days. Today being friday, I watched a couple of movies,7 pounds and Collateral Beauty. Two very powerful movies to make you feel things, and I did but not the usual grief I feel with sad movies. I felt saddness yes but usually I feel a deep abiding grief for myself, I watch sad movies so that I can find an outlet for this grief so it doesnt overwhelm me at times but no grief after 2 very sad emotional movies. Maybe I don't feel grief for myself anymore, I don't know.
Anyway I have my first competition away tomorrow and I have done everything I can to make it go smoothly and I don't feel too much anxiety.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Well Here I am
After years of residing in a few forums and listening to others speak their opinion and respond to mine on them, I find myself abit dissatisfied with the whole forum concept and the people attending them except for a few exceptions. Mostly the dissapointment comes when the conversations start to lean to towards the topics of religion, immigration and politics. The conversations (and I use that term loosely) turn into raging rants from the uninformed and often bigotted, racist, sexist or whatever cross the ignorant bare. I sort of realised I hadn't attended for a month the I use to be on daily. Now I am sure that there are alot of good people on there still but it would seem that they too have sort of left the building because of all the noise going on.
So I found myself needing to express myself and say something but without the whole ranting and raving from others and so I start my Blog and realise I have finally grown up enough to think before I speak.
One of the latest "concerning" issues for these concerned crazed ranting citizens is the "Burqa" tirades, encouraged of course by our wonderfully "unbiased" (NOT) media who I found after abit of googling that they have been raising this whole burqa issue for some years. There is even a "Ban the Burqa" Facebook page. Complete with all the hate, anger and ignorance you can imagine. I guess it doesn't help when people like Carnita Matthews, who tried to get out of a driving offence (not displaying her P's) by telling the cop he was only doing it because he was racist. He asked her to take off her Burqa for identification while booking her. In the end she got away with it all because no one could prove it was her that made the complaint and all charges dropped against her. I have to wonder what photo is on her drivers licence ?
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/judge-could-not-be-sure-who-was-behind-the-veil/story-fn7x8me2-1226078801032
This woman already has a pretty shoddy driving history and has already been suspended for speeding and other traffic fines. So she isn't some pristine innocent. Thankfully video evidence showed that our fine officer was indeed not been racist and she was a lying bitch. Mind you of course she later apologised and said she didn't "realise" she had behaved in that way. WTF ? she was there and sober.
Now of course, a new law in NSW where you have show your face and identify yourself on request by the law. It is not specific to burqa's, Which is as it should be, I have to show photo ID numerous times during the course of my normal life.
A friend mentioned on the Facebook "Ban the Burqa" page that she didn't care what they wanted to wear, her only concern was that men would wear them into womens toilets and maybe rape women or to do other nefarious deeds. Which is a reasonable concern in this day and age. But she was abused anyway.
So how do we handle this ? it makes no sense in the land of freedom to Ban people from the freedom of expressing their religon, well as long as it doesn't hurt anyone and doesn't stop them from expressing theirs. We would be no better than the old witch burning christians hundreds of years ago.
I will admit to having a knee jerk reaction to the burqa, as a women I do feel threatened by it. My world as a women is a fragile thing, I am limited as a woman as to where I can go and what I can do, if i wish to remain safe and alive. It sucks to feel fear but it is a real thing, I have felt it on a suburban(mt druitt) train station, sitting alone as a bunch of boys of "islander" appearance hurl abuse at me for no reason except I was there and I was white. I felt it as my old drug dealing neighbour was shot dead in my front yard, one of the reasons I left Sydney was because of the constant fear and limitations to my freedom and safety.Why should I feel scared of a 9 year old, well if he is holding a knife at me, hell yeah I feel scared.
Getting back to the point about the Burqa, well I have never even met a woman wearing one to be honest, it is what it represents (oppression) that makes me dislike and fear it. My fears of course are incited by media bombardment about islamic terrorist and muslims seeking sharia law "recognition" in Australia.
I don't believe that any other law should be recognised in Australia except Australian Law, I don't think a person should swear on a bible either, I mean really people lie in court all the time don't they after swearing on the bible, even so called christians. Though what do we make people tell the truth ? another one of lifes big questions. but once again getting back to the burqa, if a woman wants to wear it, so be it, really I don't care if she does. I would be interested for my own sake, how I will react if I have to talk to some one in a burqa. It would I imagine be hard to talk to a person where you can't see their face, no matter how the face is hidden.
I do think it is sexist because the women have to wear it and not the men and I know a few who probably should cover themselves up. But all religions seem to favour men don't they. You have to wonder what it is about us that they a scared of. It is why I have no religion, just can't get my head around the double standards and dogma.
But I don't have any good answers to this particular dilemma, only opinions, so it is lucky I am not the prime minister isn't it.
So I found myself needing to express myself and say something but without the whole ranting and raving from others and so I start my Blog and realise I have finally grown up enough to think before I speak.
One of the latest "concerning" issues for these concerned crazed ranting citizens is the "Burqa" tirades, encouraged of course by our wonderfully "unbiased" (NOT) media who I found after abit of googling that they have been raising this whole burqa issue for some years. There is even a "Ban the Burqa" Facebook page. Complete with all the hate, anger and ignorance you can imagine. I guess it doesn't help when people like Carnita Matthews, who tried to get out of a driving offence (not displaying her P's) by telling the cop he was only doing it because he was racist. He asked her to take off her Burqa for identification while booking her. In the end she got away with it all because no one could prove it was her that made the complaint and all charges dropped against her. I have to wonder what photo is on her drivers licence ?
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/judge-could-not-be-sure-who-was-behind-the-veil/story-fn7x8me2-1226078801032
This woman already has a pretty shoddy driving history and has already been suspended for speeding and other traffic fines. So she isn't some pristine innocent. Thankfully video evidence showed that our fine officer was indeed not been racist and she was a lying bitch. Mind you of course she later apologised and said she didn't "realise" she had behaved in that way. WTF ? she was there and sober.
Now of course, a new law in NSW where you have show your face and identify yourself on request by the law. It is not specific to burqa's, Which is as it should be, I have to show photo ID numerous times during the course of my normal life.
A friend mentioned on the Facebook "Ban the Burqa" page that she didn't care what they wanted to wear, her only concern was that men would wear them into womens toilets and maybe rape women or to do other nefarious deeds. Which is a reasonable concern in this day and age. But she was abused anyway.
So how do we handle this ? it makes no sense in the land of freedom to Ban people from the freedom of expressing their religon, well as long as it doesn't hurt anyone and doesn't stop them from expressing theirs. We would be no better than the old witch burning christians hundreds of years ago.
I will admit to having a knee jerk reaction to the burqa, as a women I do feel threatened by it. My world as a women is a fragile thing, I am limited as a woman as to where I can go and what I can do, if i wish to remain safe and alive. It sucks to feel fear but it is a real thing, I have felt it on a suburban(mt druitt) train station, sitting alone as a bunch of boys of "islander" appearance hurl abuse at me for no reason except I was there and I was white. I felt it as my old drug dealing neighbour was shot dead in my front yard, one of the reasons I left Sydney was because of the constant fear and limitations to my freedom and safety.Why should I feel scared of a 9 year old, well if he is holding a knife at me, hell yeah I feel scared.
Getting back to the point about the Burqa, well I have never even met a woman wearing one to be honest, it is what it represents (oppression) that makes me dislike and fear it. My fears of course are incited by media bombardment about islamic terrorist and muslims seeking sharia law "recognition" in Australia.
I don't believe that any other law should be recognised in Australia except Australian Law, I don't think a person should swear on a bible either, I mean really people lie in court all the time don't they after swearing on the bible, even so called christians. Though what do we make people tell the truth ? another one of lifes big questions. but once again getting back to the burqa, if a woman wants to wear it, so be it, really I don't care if she does. I would be interested for my own sake, how I will react if I have to talk to some one in a burqa. It would I imagine be hard to talk to a person where you can't see their face, no matter how the face is hidden.
I do think it is sexist because the women have to wear it and not the men and I know a few who probably should cover themselves up. But all religions seem to favour men don't they. You have to wonder what it is about us that they a scared of. It is why I have no religion, just can't get my head around the double standards and dogma.
But I don't have any good answers to this particular dilemma, only opinions, so it is lucky I am not the prime minister isn't it.
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